A conundrum…


The Thinker (JPsNotes)I am walking without direction, breathing without purpose, existing without joy.

I know it shouldn’t be so but I am stuck in this cycle of day-to-night; moving-to-sleeping, without a formal thought or idea as to why it should be so.

Why am I still here? What is the purpose for this “mechanical” existence so far void of any enjoyment?

I pray to God – perhaps not well enough – to help me “move on” … to help me rediscover purpose and meaning. All I can hear and feel is silence thus, all I can presume is to continue in faith.

And this I do… one foot in front of the other, trying to make something out of the emptiness around me and in me; a reality that I am seemingly stuck in.

This is the very thing; the condition, I have always sought to prevent. That I have prayed and warned others about for as long as I can remember… and now, it seems it is here and mine to undo or not… supposedly my “choice” … my “will”.

But obviously, it is not that simple a task. Not a matter of choosing one over the other.
It requires re-invention I think… the stripping and discarding of a reality for the establishment of a new and uncertain idea. And, although such in itself can and should be exciting enough to fuel one’s “will”, it has so far done nothing for me.

Do I wish to die? Have I had enough of this journey I’ve been on for so many years?
No. I can’t honestly state either is true. Albeit the thought has occurred more than once, it has always been shrugged-off as infantile and cowardly… more importantly, it has been shrugged-off as wasteful.

For life – all life – is precious and important in and of itself… such I believe deeply.

So, that said, what then is the problem? Or perhaps more appropriately, what then is the solution?

It isn’t enough to just keep moving and it isn’t sufficient to just wait. Both representing a state of limbo that holds no joy, value nor appeal to me.

And thus, the meandering comes around full-circle once again.

No “absence of physical presence” of one life should inflict such confusion and duress on another. This too I believe so, perhaps the very conundrum has always been here dormant within us, waiting for the right time to manifest itself.

To challenge us into seeing the “stuff” we are made of… to test what we have learned through the course of our lives.

I thought I was better than this; the present condition that has led me to write this drivel.
I thought I knew better than to allow my saddened “self” to cast such deep shadow on my God gifted “bright spirit”.

But obviously I am not as “wonderful” as I believed myself to be and hence, why likely I am still here going through yet another “desert”.

Maybe imperfection is the real reason; the key to being alive.

Or… perhaps, in some yet undiscovered ways, there is still more for me to experience and contribute here… sigh.

“Lead or get the heck out-of-the-way” … matters not which but, it would be good to get-off this quagmire of self-pity.

God only knows.

Copyright, Joseph Pereira 2006-2016

About JP
"There is nothing to be found in a beehive that is not submerged in a bee. Yet we may explore a bee forever and still never find a hive..." Kevin Kelly's - Out of Control

6 Responses to A conundrum…

  1. muchgood says:

    Hi Joe, hope you remember me : Christine Fullgraf from your groovy Monsanto days 😊. I woke up and found your post – so glad I am still on your list! And also I am very familiar with what you have just written about… hope you will find your way (and that I will too!) Did you recently lose someone important to you? If so, I am so very sorry. I have recently had a similar chain of events… and just wanted to say you are not alone, and I hope we both find the “way in which we should go”. You are a dear man! Remember… Lisa used to call you The Bisquit 😜!? My heart goes out to you… I will pray for something to sparkle brightly and show you your oath… and for contentment and peace in your heart, dear friend! ( hugs to your wife and your girls! ❤️❤️❤️❤️)

    • JP says:

      My dearest friend Christine… how could you even think I wouldn’t remember you when it seems only “the other day” when we worked together and changed people’s awareness by our toil?
      I do remember you well with your sassy short hair and bright “ear to ear” smile… and now I am also reminded of your kind heart and caring nature.
      Thank you for your kind thoughts Christine. I will write more to you privately. ❤

  2. Nina says:

    I’d feel silly to really comment…but I will:)…It seem almost unreal how strong you’re acting/being, in a way ego driven… Try acceptance…..of being in the middle ….of moving and waiting…being perfect and allowing self pity…road that leads there is self reflection, such as this beautifully written post. But you already know that. 🙂 Best, Nina

    • JP says:

      Dear Nina… I am very glad that you decided to comment. Your caring thoughts resonate and are much appreciated.
      I think your observation; “in a way ego driven” is very insightful of you… in-between my bouts of deep grief; those voids when relative calm and “nothingness” happens, I do find myself probing and wondering about this very thing… how much of this inner pain is selfish driven to feed an ego versus a reflection of the sadness of such deep loss?
      Invariably I end-up accepting that ALL inner pain and sadness are SELFISH expressions… reflecting a deep and intimate loss I view through a personal and singular lens. It is only when I share such naturally selfish expressions with a wider audience that I find cause to suspect a “woe is me” ego play.
      Frankly, I write about this pain because I do not want it to linger within me… I want to get it out and writing, enables me to do so in a civil manner… for typed words don’t cry, the ink doesn’t run and smudge the pain expressed by them. But I am keeping my eye on the “motives” just in-case. 🙂
      I am immensely grateful you cared to write my friend. Thank You.

  3. Martyn says:

    My dear and very imperfect JP, who’s used to hiding behind a wonderful, sassy, happy, cigar-smoking facade… We love you as you are, even the bits you try to hide from us. Grief can be awful, and a bit like ocean waves, when we give in and allow it to shake us around, it can liberate, free and inspire us to be more of the person we know we really are. Quit beating yourself up and Skype me.

    • JP says:

      My dear friend Martyn… how right you are.
      Turns out I’m human after all… who knew?
      I am grateful for your caring and will email you. ❤

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