A conundrum…

I am walking without direction, breathing without purpose, existing without joy.

I know it shouldn’t be so but I am stuck in this cycle of day-to-night; moving-to-sleeping, without a formal thought or idea as to why it should be so.

Why am I still here? What is the purpose for this “mechanical” existence so far void of any enjoyment?

I pray to God – perhaps not well enough – to help me “move on” … to help me rediscover purpose and meaning. All I can hear and feel is silence thus, all I can presume is to continue in faith.

And this I do… one foot in front of the other, trying to make something out of the emptiness around me and in me; a reality that I am seemingly stuck in.

This is the very thing; the condition, I have always sought to prevent. That I have prayed and warned others about for as long as I can remember… and now, it seems it is here and mine to undo or not… supposedly my “choice” … my “will”.

But obviously, it is not that simple a task. Not a matter of choosing one over the other.
It requires re-invention I think… the stripping and discarding of a reality for the establishment of a new and uncertain idea. And, although such in itself can and should be exciting enough to fuel one’s “will”, it has so far done nothing for me.

Do I wish to die? Have I had enough of this journey I’ve been on for so many years?
No. I can’t honestly state either is true. Albeit the thought has occurred more than once, it has always been shrugged-off as infantile and cowardly… more importantly, it has been shrugged-off as wasteful.

For life – all life – is precious and important in and of itself… such I believe deeply.

So, that said, what then is the problem? Or perhaps more appropriately, what then is the solution?

It isn’t enough to just keep moving and it isn’t sufficient to just wait. Both representing a state of limbo that holds no joy, value nor appeal to me.

And thus, the meandering comes around full-circle once again.

No “absence of physical presence” of one life should inflict such confusion and duress on another. This too I believe so, perhaps the very conundrum has always been here dormant within us, waiting for the right time to manifest itself.

To challenge us into seeing the “stuff” we are made of… to test what we have learned through the course of our lives.

I thought I was better than this; the present condition that has led me to write this drivel.
I thought I knew better than to allow my saddened “self” to cast such deep shadow on my God gifted “bright spirit”.

But obviously I am not as “wonderful” as I believed myself to be and hence, why likely I am still here going through yet another “desert”.

Maybe imperfection is the real reason; the key to being alive.

Or… perhaps, in some yet undiscovered ways, there is still more for me to experience and contribute here… sigh.

“Lead or get the heck out-of-the-way” … matters not which but, it would be good to get-off this quagmire of self-pity.

God only knows.